sort of hoping that you'd stay
by flowermasters
Summary: Hux seems to have developed some abandonment issues. He'll live. AU where Kylo is a girl.


A/N: What the hell am I even doing, other than giving Hux and Kylo a billion things they don't deserve. I don't know. Nobody knows.

Warnings for: cisgirl Kylo, mildly codependent Kylo/Hux, sexual content, discussion of canon-typical violence, discussion of pregnancy because I am a sap.

This is part of an AU so if you haven't read the other stuff, this is going to be ... very confusing. The title of this comes from "Do I Wanna Know?" by Arctic Monkeys.

* * *

Hux is no soldier. He works best at a distance, analyzing, controlling, managing each battle. But a general's strategy is only as good as his information, and being left like this, alone and out of the loop, is starting to play tricks on Hux's psyche. Not that his psyche had been in the best shape to begin with.

Hux can't remember the last time he's slept longer than a few hours at a stretch. It is oddly discomfiting to be without Kylo, even though she'd kept him up more often than not with her nightmares. She calls sometimes for her mother, occasionally for Hux, frequently for Han Solo, and once in a while for nobody at all. Hux often finds himself lying awake, waiting for Kylo to scream and remind him that he's really here, he isn't dreaming this, he's not lying comatose in a First Order base somewhere, waiting to die. Again.

Die _again_. He's already done it once.

The easy weeks after Kylo brought him back feel distant now, almost unreal, even though it's only been three weeks since her departure. They'd flown in Kylo's tiny ship until they'd run out of fuel and then settled here, a planet too irrelevant to have an official name that wasn't a string of letters and numbers. Stumbling upon the little house had been a stroke of luck, really.

"Nobody's lived in this place since we were children," Kylo had said, with that distant air she always got when discussing matters of the Force. "Maybe longer."

"Well, I could have told you that," Hux had muttered, drawing a finger through the layer of dust on the kitchen counter. Kylo had sneezed shortly afterwards and given Hux a baleful look, like he'd personally made her sniff all that dust.

Now, standing at that very kitchen counter, Hux can't stop mulling the details over in his mind, picking it all apart, searching for things he could have done differently. Deep down, he knows there is no point to this exercise. Kylo had made her decision the moment she'd sensed what was coming, whether she knew it then or not.

She'd been meditating, clad only in a tunic, her long legs folded neatly underneath her. Hux had been a few feet away, in the kitchen, fidgeting with the plumbing under the sink – Kylo had somehow battered it into functioning, but Hux still had low expectations of it holding out for very long. Quite suddenly, Kylo had announced, "Someone's coming."

Even now, Hux shamefully remembers the anxiety that had seized him. His first thought had been _I don't even have a blaster._ "Who?"

She'd opened her eyes and stood up, holding her hand out until her pants sprang to her grasp. "Rey," she'd said simply. "And Luke Skywalker."

Sure enough, within minutes a shuttle had been visible in the distance. Hux had been forced to watch from the kitchen window ("— they'll know someone's here, but still, I won't be able to shield you from them if they see you – damn it, Hux, stay _inside_.") as Kylo went out to meet it, her lightsaber in the pocket of her tunic. They'd talked for what felt like hours, and then Kylo had come back into the house alone, but the scavenger girl and Skywalker remained outside, waiting.

"They want me to come with them," Kylo had said. "To find the Supreme Leader. To kill him."

"That's a suicide mission," Hux had protested. He'd never felt more like a coward.

He can still feel her lips on his cheek, like a caress from a ghost. "Don't do anything stupid while I'm gone," she'd muttered, and then she'd left, straightening her shoulders and going outside to board Skywalker's craft.

It dawns on Hux – not for the first time – that if Kylo is dead, he'll likely find out eventually. There's little communication on this planet, although it is not totally primitive – only sparsely populated. Word will reach him eventually of her demise, but how long must he be forced to wait? Or what if she isn't dead, and simply chooses not to return? He can't decide which is worse.

Hux spends his days ferociously looking for something to do. The house is cleaner than it's likely ever been, and he's stockpiled more of the native fruits and vegetables than will ever be necessary. Hux is once again standing at the kitchen window, this time washing fruits in lukewarm water from the faucet, when he sees something on the horizon. It's a speeder, and it's hurtling towards the house at a breakneck pace. Hux feels like the wind has been knocked out of him.

The speeder hums to a stop not far from the house, and Hux watches as the rider dismounts. He recognizes the silhouette instantly – it's Kylo, statuesque and clad in billowing robes of black, a stark contrast to the dappled meadow behind her. Her hair whips in the wind like a banner, and Hux is hurtling out of the house before he has time to think anything else.

He draws himself up a few feet in front of her, still feeling unnaturally breathless. "Well?" he prompts, when she only stares at him.

Kylo pauses for a moment and then she grants him a smile, rare and oddly shy. "It's done," is all she says.

Hux isn't sure what to feel. Relief, perhaps, that Snoke is dead – anger, that Kylo's left him alone this long – overwhelming gratitude that she's returned. He covers the distance between them entirely without thinking about it, hugging her to his chest for a long moment, knowing she will sense what he cannot bring himself to say.

"I need a bath," she warns, muffled against Hux's neck.

"You do," he agrees, releasing her finally. "But you've smelled worse."

She makes a face at him, and Hux leans into kiss her, because – well, that's the done thing, isn't it, when someone comes home. Kylo swats at him and tilts her chin away. "Don't," she says. At Hux's miffed look, she snaps, "I just threw up, if you must know."

Hux frowns, but is quietly very grateful for the warning. "Are you ill?"

"No," Kylo replies. "Speeders make me dizzy."

Hux doesn't believe that for a second, given the outrageous things he's seen Kylo do with and to her own body, but if she actually _is_ sick, he's not about to antagonize her. She does seem rather peaked, Hux notes – but then again, she _always_ looks sort of peaked. She certainly looks exhausted. "Come on," he says, beckoning towards the house. "It's cold out here."

Kylo follows him into the house, already shedding clothing as soon as she makes it through the door. The sole reason Hux doesn't make a comment about _not_ , in fact, being her maid is because she's only just returned from defeating a Sith lord. "Going to shower," she says, waving her hand in Hux's general direction as she moves to the tiny fresher.

Hux expects Kylo to come into the kitchen after she bathes, but she doesn't – he sees her ghost by, naked, on her way to the pallet. She flops down and doesn't move again for quite some time, and Hux feels oddly fretful, even though he can literally _see_ her from the kitchen. Kylo has awakened something in him by leaving, something strangely needy and protective all at once.

If Hux is honest, she'd drawn it out sometime before that, but – Hux is not honest.

He lets her sleep for a while, and when he hears the sheets rustling, he returns to washing the fruits he'd abandoned in the sink. Hux is not fond of these strange purple fruits – they're too sweet for his liking – but Kylo enjoys them, so he cleans and peels them, then puts them in a bowl and slips into the other room, where Kylo is curled up on her side of the bed and facing away from him.

"Here," Hux says, sitting down on his side of the pallet and giving Kylo a gentle prod. She's awake, he can tell. She rolls over to face at him, but not before Hux gets a good look at a new scar on her back, just below her right shoulder blade – it's jagged and still pink, but it looks like she'd gotten to a medic fairly quickly after receiving it, which is a refreshing change.

"What?" Kylo asks, rather drowsily.

"I brought you some of those fruits you like so much," Hux says. "If you get juice all over the sheets, you'll wash them yourself."

Kylo smirks. "I knew it was worth the trouble to keep you around," she muses. "You bring me food _and_ wash the sheets."

Hux rolls his eyes and brandishes the bowl at her. "Your fruit, Lady Ren," he says dryly. It occurs to him suddenly that she might not like to be called that now, given what she's just done, but she doesn't protest. Rather, she gives him a contemplative look.

"Sex first," Kylo decides. "Then food."

Kylo sits up and moves into his lap before Hux can come up with an appropriate protest – not that he could probably find one anyway, because he's missed this, too. Really, all they'd done in the weeks before she'd left had been nap and fuck, and Hux had grown quite fond of that set-up. She rides him just like that, both of them sitting upright, Hux's arms loose around her middle and Kylo's slung haphazardly over his shoulders.

Kylo tilts her head to one side with a plaintive nose, and Hux's mouth is at her neck instantly, with only the barest hint of teeth, but it's enough to make her shiver. "Kylo," he mutters, moving one arm so that he can reach between them.

"What?" she manages, breathless, keening when he rubs at her just so.

"I –," Hux says, faltering, but it suddenly seems imperative that he gets this out. He might still be a little delirious with the shock of her return. "I was afraid that you wouldn't come back."

" _Oh_ ," she breathes. "No. I'm here – I'm here."

Kylo comes with a cry louder than anything he's heard in weeks, and Hux follows, helpless to do anything but. For a moment afterwards, they just sit there, breathing shakily. She's carding her fingers through his hair absentmindedly – Hux almost tells her off for it, until he remembers where they are. They're not on board the _Finalizer_ ; they never will be again.

"What an astute observation," Kylo murmurs.

"What's it like?" Hux muses, his forehead resting on her shoulder. "To not have someone constantly eavesdropping in your head? I wouldn't know."

Kylo gives a huff of laughter, then disentangles herself and comes to rest next to him, lying on her side. When Hux just looks at her, she says, "Lie down."

Ordinarily he'd complain about her constant bossiness, but she looks suddenly fragile like that, lying down with her still-damp hair half covering her face. Hux lies down, facing her, and puts an arm over her waist. They do this, occasionally, now that they share a bed. Neither of them can actually sleep like this – Kylo has already informed him that he has the boniest elbows of anyone she's ever met – but still.

"Tell me about the Supreme Leader," Hux says finally.

Kylo tries, and fails, to hide her grimace at the mention of Snoke. "He's dead."

Hux rolls his eyes. "Care to explain how?"

Kylo pauses for a long moment, refusing to meet Hux's eyes. He feels like he's pressing on a bruise – it's not a grievous enough injury to permanently hurt her, but still, she's wounded. "I did it," she says. "He almost killed Uncle, and Rey turned – tried to help him – and that's when I did it. I didn't want Snoke to kill her, too."

Hux wants to know more – he wants to know every gory detail, really – but he wisely lets it go for now. She'll tell him sooner or later. "Good," he says firmly. "That's good."

Kylo is quiet for a moment, and then she says, very softly, "I saw my mother while I was gone."

Hux isn't sure where she's headed with this; he's been operating under the impression that Kylo wants very little to do with her mother. "And?" he prompts finally.

"It was – strange," Kylo says, scooting closer to Hux ever so slightly. She's cold – he can see goosebumps rising on her arms. The whole house is starting to get cold, and Hux should start a fire, but for now he stays in place. "She said she forgave me. For my father."

"Is that what you wanted to hear?" Hux asks, though he suspects he already knows the answer.

Kylo nods and falls silent again, closing her eyes briefly. Hux thinks for a moment that she's going to fall asleep, but then she says, "I saw a doctor while I was away. Well, a nurse, I suppose."

Hux thinks of the scar on her back, cleaner and better cared for than any of her other numerous old wounds. "I'm astonished," he says dryly.

"Shut up," she says, almost automatically. "I asked for one of those shots – the contraceptive."

Such a thing had honestly been galaxies away from Hux's thoughts of late. It's unusual that Kylo is the logical one out of the two of them, though Hux supposes it's bound to happen every now and then.

"It was too late," Kylo says, not quite meeting his eyes, and it takes Hux a second to figure out what she's skirting around.

"Oh," Hux says, more startled than anything. "You – did you end it?" Again, another question he already knows the answer to. Hux can't read minds, of course, but he's not a bloody idiot, and this close he can see every minute change in Kylo's expression. She tenses at the question, her jaw tightening. She looks like she's expecting something unpleasant, and is bracing herself to fight it.

"No," she says. "I sensed – something told me not to."

Hux looks at her for a long moment, working through his thoughts in search of one that he's willing to say – Kylo can hear them all anyway if she chooses, but still, what he actually _says_ matters. This is, for starters, a mad idea. Hux doesn't know anything about children other than the essentials, and he's willing to bet that Kylo isn't much better off than he is. There's also the fact that Hux is either dead or the universe's most wanted fugitive, depending on who you believe, and therefore has no means with which to support a child. Kylo is less recognizable than he is, given her proclivity for wearing masks, but Hux is absolutely positive that she has no plan and is, for lack of a better term, winging it.

There's also a part of Hux, however – the less rational part, which has clearly led him to this position in the first place – that acknowledges that really, _all_ they're doing right now is winging it. They're squatting in an abandoned house on a planet neither of them had ever heard of prior to arriving. Neither of them has a place in the universe any longer, save for right here.

"I don't think I've ever seen you truly speechless before," Kylo comments. Clearly, she's been listening to his train of thought, or perhaps she's simply reading his face.

"I'm thinking," Hux says. "Surely you're familiar with the concept."

Kylo rolls her eyes at him. "You're thinking that this is a terrible idea," she says, quite a bit more mildly than Hux might have expected. "But you're also thinking that it's not the most terrible idea you've ever heard."

"Well," Hux says. "I suppose we'll muddle through, won't we?"

Kylo looks rather surprised by this response, but pleasantly so. "Yes," she says. "We will."

Hux falls silent again, lost in thought, and Kylo squirms even closer, pressing her face against his shoulder as if burrowing for warmth. Hux finds himself reaching up to stroke her hair absently, contemplating a myriad of things. Namely, the child – although he supposes it's really too small to even be considered a child yet, but it will be one day, assuming all goes well. He can't help but wonder which of them it will look like, whether it'll be Force-sensitive and thus preternaturally gifted at driving Hux to distraction, if it will like him, or if perhaps he'd fallen and hit his head at some point and is currently hallucinating all of this –

"You have some time to panic," Kylo says, her voice muffled. "Don't feel as if you have to do it all at once. Also, pass the fruit."

Hux grumbles at her, as she is perfectly capable of summoning the bowl to her hand, but nevertheless rolls over to fetch the bowl of sickly sweet fruit, which had been discarded on the floor next to the pallet. "Here," he says, offering it to her.

Moments later, when Kylo laughingly pops a piece of fruit into his protesting mouth and then kisses the stickiness of it from his lips, Hux decides that perhaps the taste does have some merit after all.


End file.
